The following conversation with your Big Data was recorded at the offices of Dr. D. Dupe M.D.
Doctor: “Please take a seat and tell me what brings you here today?”
Big Data: “Thanks Doctor. Well, lately I’ve been feeling depressed. As you can see, I’m getting on in years. Certainly I’m not the same data I used to be. When I was young, I was able to adapt and change with the world. Frequently updating and reinventing myself, which is one of the reasons my ex-girlfriend was attracted to me.”
Doctor: “Tell me more about your ex-girlfriend.”
Big Data: “She’s a famous RDBMS, very energetic, well liked, but very high maintenance. Her job is to process and manage transactional data, that’s how we met actually. We’ve been together for years, but our relationship has been changing for a while. She rarely calls me, and when she does she only reminisces about the old times and our history together. Even though the relationship wasn’t going anywhere, I was comfortable with the arrangement, until one day she broke it off.”
Doctor: “How did she break up with you?”
Big Data: “She told me that she chatted to her boss (and best friend), Margie Application and she said we rarely we see each other, how I never change, and apparently the last straw was that I was overweight and dragging her down. Taking up valuable space with all my junk. To top it off, I live in her apartment and her landlord, a nice guy Joe Storage, told her that the lease was just for one person and she wasn’t allowed to have me stay there anymore.”
Doctor: “How did you react?”
Big Data: “I got mad, said a few choice words, grabbed my stuff and stormed out! Then I calmed down and went to talk to Joe to see if I there was space in the building for me. Unfortunately, Joe Storage’s building caters for young up and coming types. The rent is astronomical per sq. foot as you pay for the update facilities. It has fast elevators providing high-speed access with expensive security. I really couldn’t afford to live there.”
Doctor: “You mentioned your age earlier, do you think this is the main reason why she broke up with you?”
Big Data: “I did at first, because we had been together for so long. But a friend of mine recently experienced a similar issue. He’s young, machine-generated and straight off the network but was also told that he takes up too much space, and since he too never changes, it was too expensive to keep him around.”
Doctor: “Actually you are correct, this is becoming a common issue. Many of my patients are reporting the same symptoms that you and your friend are experiencing. Unfortunately, there are as many people offering different approaches to this problem and it can be confusing. Just like fad diets and late night TV commercials, it’s important to be specific about your core needs, which if I could recap as follows:
- You have come to terms with the fact that you no longer change
- You need help losing some weight
- You and your girlfriend would like to keep your relationship, even if you see each other infrequently
- You need somewhere nearby that you can stay, which is within your budget
- A place you know where you stand in terms of a lease, with a set of rules that are agreed upon as to when and if you have to leave
The organization and people I will introduce you to specialize in retaining Big Data like yourself and your friend. They can load billions of records a day, and unlike me their type of shrinking allows you to fit in a much smaller space. The result is a form of compression weight loss that forgoes the need for high-speed elevators. You can then choose your alternate Joe Storage apartment of choice, they negotiate and enforce the lease, and security is also provided. To your ex-girlfriend or more to the point her Application boss or her superiors the end-users, you are the same Big Data. Nothing has changed about you; they can see you whenever they want. And best of all, the total cost will be less than what you were paying, often 10x less. Finally, you and your friend can move in immediately, no complicated setup required.
Big Data: “Doc, you’re a lifesaver, I can’t thank you enough!”
Doctor: “You’re welcome, maybe you’ll come back in a few weeks and tell me how you are doing?”
Big Data: “Definitely, you can count on it.”
That’s awesome! Very funny.